I remember my life a long time ago when I was a young pup. That is assuming “a long time ago” means “8 years ago”, but who’s really keeping track here? I’m not. The point is, I was a kid and I used to love my toys. My favorites were always Transformers.
Why in God’s name is Hollywood doing this to me? I used to love my childhood memories. Sitting around on Saturday morning, eating a big bowl of my favorite cereal, in charge of the remote because I the oldest (and the meanest) all the while allowing my mind to be shaped by animated characters. Now Hollywood has pretty much killed of all original ideas and has set its sights on those precious memories.
I used to watch Yogi Bear and the Smurfs and laugh at what I thought passed for jokes at that time. Now these are being made into live action movies. If they turn out to be as mentally scarring as the Marmaduke and Garfield movies, my childhood will be all but lost. Even a cartoon with a decent premise was messed up so badly that I literally left the theatre and kicked my car tires in frustration. (I’m looking at you, G.I. Joe)
What makes this memory-rape all the more painful is the fact that these evil bastards appear to be purposefully skipping some of the greatest cartoons of the 80’s. So, without further adieu, here is my list of the top three cartoons that should be given a live action treatment.
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Are you ready for some football? Some fantasy football? Well, we here on the ship are. Officially, I mean, we’re ready. The Talkingship Fantasy Football League drafted on Thursday and everyone came out feeling like their team was unbeatable. Hey, it’s the preseason and everyone’s undefeated. Everyone except the Rams. They’ve already made plans for their first pick of the 2011 NFL Draft. So how did everything really shake out? Who were the top picks of the TalkingShip Fantasy League?
James Cameron is already holding the top two spots in the largest selling movies of all time. Avatar wears the crown with nearly $750 million and Titanic sinks just beneath at $600 million, but Cameron wants to make sure no one comes along to challenge him. This weekend, Cameron is re-releasing Avatar in 800+ 3D theaters throughout the country.
This isn’t just a simple replay though. The new version of Avatar sports an extra 8-9 minutes to the already ridiculous two and a half hour running time. Whether or not you plan on seeing this in theaters again depends on a lot of factors, but I’ve done some digging and have uncovered what you can expect to see from the added footage. Spoiler Alert: none of it looks very interesting.
I will probably go see this with my daughter because we didn’t see it in 3D the first time around. I don’t think it’s a good film, but I can’t deny that it’s gorgeous, and I feel like I’d be missing out to not see it in the theaters with those silly glasses on. However, if I had already seen it in 3D I would have no desire to see it again. It’s too long, too silly, and the promise of 9 more minutes of footage deemed too useless for the first release doesn’t sound very appetizing. This is a James Cameron movie though, and he is well known for cutting great scenes out of his movies to accommodate film standards. For instance, in Aliens he cut a scene showing how Ripley had lost a child, which is an important bit of backstory that helps explain the way she latches onto Newt when the child first appears. So maybe Avatar will have similar scenes that they just couldn’t manage to pack into the first release’s 162 minutes. Here’s what I’ve been able to find out about the new footage.
I’m not well known for decorum. One glance at the titles of the majority of the Talkingship shows and you’ll realize that my sense of humor stalled somewhere between 13 and my first beer (I have no idea when that was, but for the purpose of this joke we’ll say it was at 13 and a day.) This no doubt plays a part in my appreciation of Tucker Max’s book, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. The question is, does the same hold true for the movie version of his raunchy book?
The simple answer is: No.
I loved the book. Once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. His exploits were beyond reproach and bordered on the wrong side of legality more often then not. His writing is entertaining, his adventures are damn near unbelievable, and his misogyny is somehow … well, charming. When reading the book you will quickly realize that Tucker Max is a deplorable piece of shit, but you just can’t stop laughing. However, as soon as I heard this was going to be a movie, I knew it was doomed. There’s no way you can bring a character like Tucker Max to life on screen without being forced to really face the gross nature of what this man represents. He is the worst of what males have to offer.
I’ve taken a lot of crap from a lot of people for my glowing reviews of past Arcade Fire albums. This article isn’t going to help me in that regard in any way at all because I plan on gushing yet again. Get your raincoats on and come with me as I gleefully slobber, gush, and get other body juices all over this Canadian band’s newest masterpiece.
Win Butler and his wife, Regine Chassagne, started Arcade Fire back in 2003 and have been blazing an exciting trail for modern music ever since. Their first full album, Funeral, released in 2004, was a sprawling work, with a musical backbone that felt too sturdy for a first album. The range of sound that was pulled together in that album was stunning, and a feet rarely achieved by a band until after they have been playing together for decades. It couldn’t have been done without the myriad of other artists that they pulled together, but with the group consisting of 7 members playing multiple instruments, Arcade Fire required a masterful orchestrator to keep the music from turning into a jumbled mess of noise. The Butlers did it, and they haven’t stopped since.