Why in God’s name is Hollywood doing this to me? I used to love my childhood memories. Sitting around on Saturday morning, eating a big bowl of my favorite cereal, in charge of the remote because I the oldest (and the meanest) all the while allowing my mind to be shaped by animated characters. Now Hollywood has pretty much killed of all original ideas and has set its sights on those precious memories.
I used to watch Yogi Bear and the Smurfs and laugh at what I thought passed for jokes at that time. Now these are being made into live action movies. If they turn out to be as mentally scarring as the Marmaduke and Garfield movies, my childhood will be all but lost. Even a cartoon with a decent premise was messed up so badly that I literally left the theatre and kicked my car tires in frustration. (I’m looking at you, G.I. Joe)
Hollywood + Excellent Villian = Plastic Vader Fail
What makes this memory-rape all the more painful is the fact that these evil bastards appear to be purposefully skipping some of the greatest cartoons of the 80’s. So, without further adieu, here is my list of the top three cartoons that should be given a live action treatment.
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Yes, I’m aware that this was, quite possibly, the most unintentionally gay superhero ever created. Yes, I’m also aware that this was given a live-action adaptation in the early 90’s. My response to you is to shut the hell up and keep reading anyway. The Dolph Lundgren driven movie was retarded in a way that only those who’ve seen this abomination can understand. The script is terrible, the plot holes are gaping, and the fight scenes remind me of the first time I saw the youtube sensation “Star Wars Kid”.
How could anyone think he was gay?
No, what this cartoon needs is one of these gritty reboots that Hollywood is so in love with right now. Imagine Prince Adam, torn between two worlds. One where he tries to rule peacefully and justly, and one where he is the savior of Greyskull, He-Man. Add in a Lord of the Rings quality Skeletor and Beastman, and this could be a darker, more sinister version of Harry Potter.
Thundercats
Now this is such an erroneous error that it damn-near leaves me speechless. Lucky for you, I’m typing this article with my hands and have no need for my mouth at this given time. This is a fantasy world that has everything. It’s got a strong leader looking to protect his tribe in Liono. The possibly gay second in command, Tigra. (Ok, try and argue that. He never hit on Cheetara and his weapon was a whip with balls attached to the end. Game, Set, Match.) Cheetara, the sexy femme fatale, whose “staff” would extend whenever she rubbed it just right. Even a black guy who could fix anything in Panthro.
This is the face of Kitty Affirmative Action.
Looking back, I am aware that the only person who ever did any real work around the base was Panthro and that that’s a little racist, but I don’t care. It’s still a great cartoon. With Mumrah looking to destroy them with his minions and magic, the fights could be amazing. Re-envisioned as a final battle where the Thundercats are losing an epic war fought over generations and are now the last of their kind, Liono must step up to lead after his “father” is killed in an ambush. A kitten coming-of-age tale, with a sexy Cheetara on the side. How would this be a bad thing?
Middle-aged men everywhere are remembering their first boner.
Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light
For those of you who don’t remember this show, it’s probably because your parents didn’t love you enough to let you watch it. Just remember that when it comes time to look at putting them in a home. For those of you raised in neglectful households, let me fill you in. Two armies exist on the planet called Prysmos, the Spectral Knights and the Darkling Lords respectively. On the chest of each member is a hologram of their animal totem, the animal that most matches their personality. This totem allows them to transform into the animal represented on their chest for a short period of time. These powers were bestowed on them by Merklynn, a powerful wizard who does not choose sides, but rather gives each army a quest.
The first image I saw when I accidently googled "Merkin" instead of Merklynn. Oops.
The first to complete their quest gets to recharge the magic of their totems. With a tweak or two this cartoon could be an amazing movie. Imagine knights fighting back and forth, with the ability to transform into animals on the fly. This would be better than The Chronicles of Narnia any day.
There are other cartoons that I’d like to see given the Hollywood gritty remake, but I don’t think they’d quite cut it. If I didn’t have access to internet porn, She-Ra would’ve been on the top of this list. Hopefully someone in movie-land will somehow read this article, shut down production on the Smurfs, remake these cartoons in a fashion that they deserve and give me a producer credit. If not, then at least don’t fuck with these, or if you do, do it right. Besides kissing Samantha Bertrudie behind the slide in third grade, these are the only untainted memories I have left.
She used way too much tounge.
Written by Farva (Lover of Shrimp)