Well today was a bit of a fuck up. I feel a bit bad. It involves a desert island, a fit of rage and an axe. So yeah, if that’s got you curious, read on.

DAY FOUR

Everything started badly, that’s the problem. Still buzzed from yesterday’s success, I awoke to find my house was in fact slightly larger than it had been when I had fallen to sleep. Curious as to just what in fucks name was going on, I trotted off to Nook’s Homes and reacquainted myself with the loathsome prick.

98,000 BELLS!!! For a fucking extension! Well hey, Nook! Why don’t you go and take a shit in my post box while you’re at it. Honestly, this game’s lack of violent options is starting to become a problem, and that’s the only explanation I have for what happened later…with the axe. Sigh, we’ll get there.

It hadn’t really sunk in at this point, so I checked my to-do-list and realised I’d totally forgotten to check up on that Mac dude who used to own my bed, so I payed him a visit. Turns out he TOTALLY gets my vision for Brotown.

Also, it’s great to see this thing with a dick for a face also getting on the Bro-Wagon.

I was cheered up a bit with the arrival of the bros. They kicked off the day by visiting Brotown and we had a great time. We got Broshirts and dubbed ourselves the “Three Amibros.”

After getting our Broswag, we headed to mine to chill. On the way, the guys met Brotown’s biggest celebrity, Alfonso himself. It’s fair to say they were pretty pumped to actually meet him in the flesh.

We got to my house and everyone wanted a go on the new toilet. Which is understandable as there is a severe lack of public amenities in this weird and wonderful universe. I think I might name this section of my house the “Sanitation Station”. It’s got a ring to it, right?

Things got weird when Iain wanted to watch everyone shit.

Then we played “Doctors and Nurses”. I was the patient.

Anyway, out of nowhere, Iain was all, “Who wants to come to my private island”. We were all, “fucking obviously, lets go!” So we met up with Megan (a new bro) and headed off to the island.

This is where things started to go wrong. We got there and this guy offered to lend us a bunch of gear so we could have some fun on the island. I saw this huge fucker of an axe and couldn’t resist. It was weighty in my hands and something just flipped inside of me. I immediately became the dude out of The Shining. Except instead of manically trying to chop away at my bros, I developed this weird vendetta against trees. And I chopped down the fucking lot of them. Every single tree on the island.

Even the bro’s shouting and calling me a monster couldn’t stop me. I was a man possessed. They had to go. As I stood amongst the wreckage, sweating and breathing heavily, I came around. It’s fair to say Iain was not best pleased. His once beautiful island was now a treeless plot of land. The wildlife that he could’ve turned into potential profit would never visit again. I was overwhelmed with guilt, and my bros made sure it stayed.

We had to leave. I’d embarrassed myself and ruined the day for everyone else. The sailor’s song on the way back made the steely silence between our group all the more awkward. Upon arriving home, I found these notes on my bulletin board that the bros had left me that morning.

Two stabs of guilt. I was a mess. I was coming off the rails. The drugs. The alcohol. It was all there, luring me in. Promising to soothe the guilt, to abolish the heartache. It all swirled around my head. The 98k I owed Tom Nook. The look of shear horror on my friends faces as I swung the axe with all the force I could muster. I stood on the edge of the cliff. Staring at the beach far below. I could do it, y’know. End it all. It could all just go away.

It was then that I saw him, trotting over the hill. The one person who could cheer me up. The one guy who could make it all better. No, not Jesus. Better than Jesus. The personification of life itself. The reason I fell in love with Brotown in the first place. My best friend.

He talked me down. That’s all you need to know. I’m lying here now, in bed. Just hours ago we were laughing and joking and generally being bros. I ruined that, but I’ll fix it. The wheels are turning.

I can fix this.

I will fix this.

I’m the Mayor of Brotown and Mayors don’t sit about and feel sorry for themselves. I need to sleep. I have plans to hatch. It’s been a crazy day. Most of all, lessons have been learnt. I’ve learnt that friendship is earned. That in the long run, money is irrelevant. Most of all however, I’ve learnt to STAY AWAY FROM FUCKING AXES.

Until tomorrow,

Yours,

Jake

Mayor of Brotown

Ps. Follow the bros on twitter. @iaindude, @MeganRose65 and @YJB_Reviews.