Hasn't he suffered enough?
Han Solo’s asshole is hemorrhaging. George Lucas is at it again, plumbing the depths of his goldmine for another filthy bounty, but this time his raping will be in glorious 3D! That’s right – Lucas is converting the entire Star Wars franchise into 3D and rereleasing them starting in 2012.
The 3D revolution is in full swing, and Hollywood has clamped onto it with a fervor. Films like Avatar have shown us that when a film embraces the 3D from the start, the results can be captivating – although it does zero for the storyline. However, the rush to capitalize on this fad has produced several poor quality conversions that have served to hurt the original film. Take the recent remake of Clash of the Titans for example. Clearly this was never going to be an Oscar contender and simply wanted a taste of your summer movie dollars, but the decision to retrofit the film with 3D caused the final print to come out dark and blurry. The Last Airbender suffered a similar issue, although the real problem with that movie was a certain director whose name now only induces groans from movie goers. Still, despite the proof that retrofitting is a bad idea, Hollywood is charging ahead.
This needs to happen... now!
Star Wars won’t be the only franchise you see resurface in newly minted 3D. Shrek is the other big series being retrofitted, and Disney just announced that it will be releasing The Lion King 3D (aka America’s BLATANT rip off of Zimba the White Lion – look it up, they’re practically the same story.) You can be sure that more are to follow. However, the release of older kid’s films in 3D doesn’t scathe nearly as much as the decision to do this to Star Wars.
Lucas has been planning to do this ever since the 3D fad got started, and the windfall of cash that Cameron bathes in these days after the success of Avatar has only made Georgie Porgy that much more insistent to get this going. The plan is to release The Phantom Menace in 2012, then each year after that a new film will be released. I couldn’t care less about the first three. After the awful Menace broke my heart I never returned to the theater to see the other two in REGULAR vision, so putting them in shitty quality 3D will only make me hate them more. Seriously, are you going to subject yourself to Hayden’s wooden acting throwing itself in your face in new, blurry, dark glory? Sounds like a layer of Hell the Devil has cooked up for me.
Comin' to Getcha!
However, I still adore the original trilogy, and that’s where my heart breaks. I have started to move beyond Lucas’ horrible Episodes 1, 2, and 3. My six year old daughter has recently shown an interest in Star Wars, and we watched some of the movies together. Watching her enjoy those films reminded me why I love them – so when they get released in 3D, I know I’ll be in the theater with my daughter, ready to watch them. Yet her experience with these films in the theater are going to be stained. Much like how Lucas damaged the original trilogy by adding stupifyingly bad digital effects a decade ago, now we have to endure the taste of his semen on our memories yet again as he retrofits them in 3D.
Leave the films ALONE, George! For fuck’s sake, these movies used to be great, but you keep plunging your grubby fingers into the well and the water is turning to sludge. Will you make a lot of money from this endeavor? Yes you will. But will the films be any better because of it? No, clearly they won’t be, and you’re risking making them WORSE like you did when Han Solo “stepped” over Jabba’s tail in your redone version of Star Wars. They were great films, and the Star Wars universe could definitely be expanded upon in film, but just not with the original trilogy! Let these characters and this story die. All you’re doing is hurting your legacy. Jesus Christ! What’s next? Are you going to remake Star Wars entirely with an all new cast?
Oh sweet Lord have Mercy! Let’s all pray that never happens.
Aren't you a little hard to be a storm trooper?
