I remember my life a long time ago when I was a young pup. That is assuming “a long time ago” means “8 years ago”, but who’s really keeping track here? I’m not. The point is, I was a kid and I used to love my toys. My favorites were always Transformers. I entered into the cartoon series around the time Beast Wars was on the air. It was Transformers: Bestiality, essentially. Naturally, the Beast Wars line of toys would be my first entry into the Transformers toys. I remember quite clearly how I obtained my first toy. My old Elementary School had “bring a toy day” and shit like this is why schools don’t allow that anymore. I essentially stole it. But the kid I stole it from stole my Red Ranger Battle Power action figure. That’s besides the point. The toy was a Transmetal Heroic Maximal Optimus Primal and it was BOSS!

He's an angry gorilla. What were you expecting?

I wouldn’t even play with it. After I learned how to transform it (we’ll get to that process later), I would just transform him from a gorilla into a robot and then back into a gorilla over and over. That’s really all there was to do. I needed another robot in disguise. That’s when I got Tigerhawk. He was the beginning of my transforming woes.

This stupid thing took about 20 minutes for me to transform, since it had three forms. It made me want to punch something and I eventually threw it and broke its head off. I was sad at first, but then I remembered that I fucking hated that thing.

This toy became the underlying reason to every one of my headaches…even to this day.

I then received a Beast Wars version of Megatron for Christmas. The toy was fairly easy to transform and I distinctly remember it being a squirt gun of some kind. It has been several years, but that is one of the only things I remember about that toy (aside from it being an awesome T-Rex).

It was at this point that I started drifting away from Transformers. Beast Wars had ended and they put shitty Beast Machines in its place. I had no interest in that. I was more focused on Power Rangers Megazords at this point. I honestly don’t remember where those three Transformers are, but I guarantee you that they’re crying little toy robot tears at the lost memories they could’ve had with me. If only they had been around for my returning interest in Transformers. I’m certain they would’ve been welcomed into the fold quite nicely.

My returning interest in the toys coincided with Transformers: Armada, which was my first experience with Transformers as most people knew them: vehicles that transformed into robots. My first toy was the obvious Optimus Prime AWESOME CENTER. That obviously wasn’t its name, but it was really cool. It was a bitch to transform correctly, but it was a semi truck. I’m not going to argue with it. I received the basic characters (like Hot Shot and Starscream), but my favorite was Sideways. In the cartoon, Sideways was a motorcycle that switched alliances a lot. The toy stood out to me because it

Sideways, you shady bastard.

came with two Minicons: Rook and Crosswise. You transformed them to make the head for Sideways. Depending on which one you used, it would reveal one of the side symbols in his chest (Rook made him an Autobot and Crosswise made him a Decepticon). The best part was that you could make Rook and Crosswise into a mysterious rider. If Sideways was in motorcycle form, you just need to shove Crosswise’s head up Rook’s ass and you were good to go.

The three of them really had a twisted relationship.

My Transformers journey was coming to an end again. I was coming to a point in my life where toys were unnecessary. I was becoming a technology kid. I took my Gameboy everywhere I went. I was more focused on my PS2 and my GameCube to care about toys…much less Transformers of all things. As if begging me not to go, I got the mother of all Transformers for my Birthday that year. I thought Tigerhawk took forever to grasp…I hadn’t ever dared to DREAM about Unicron.

Who in the hell thought this was a good idea?

This thing was positively huge AND was about twice as tall as most Transformers. This thing murdered all other Transformers. It’s a planet for Pete’s sake. It would have definitely kept my interest in Transformers going if it didn’t take years to transform. It was cool and everything, but it failed its only mission: Keep me entertained. For that, it was also lost to the abyss of murdered childhood memories. Of course, I had a few more Trnasformers that aren’t really important enough, but they just weren’t doing it for me anymore.

Thus ended the saga of my Transformers journey…

…until 2010, at least.

Soundwave has always been my favorite Transformer. I was at work one day and happened across the toy aisle. All of our Transformer toys were on clearance and the Soundwave toy (from the current Transformers show, Animated…like all the other iterations haven’t been animated) was a mere $5. I picked it up out of curiosity and fell in love again.

My name is Soundwave...and I WANNA ROCK!

It took me a little bit to remember how Transforming worked (all the way down to using a pen to pull some ridiculously small hinge out from its socket). Afterwards, though, I retreated to my childhood and had a bit of fun. I had nothing to do with him aside from make him do the moonwalk, but it was still a cool thing to do. He even came with a guitar that, when transformed, turns into his trusty pet Laserbeak. How cool is that? It was really cool to just revert…but Soundwave gave me the fever. I bought two more, but they were a little unorthodox.

For only $8 on clearance, I bought Spider-Man and Iron Man in a combo pack. It was part of a Marvel/Transformers crossover. Wolverine, Venom, and others all had toys, but this one was special. It was the only two pack and it was the only one left on the shelf. I snatched it up under the guise of a birthday present for my cousin…and boy howdy are they awesome.

Iron Man transforms into a fighter jet and Spider-Man transforms into a helicopter. They even combine to form a Jet-Copter or a cyborg person depending on which mode they’re in.

Yes. That is a Pikachu cup holder. Yes. I did make it. Now shut up before I punch you.

Yesterday while at work, I suddenly realized why all of our Transformers toys were on clearance. The new line was coming in. Now I face the prospect of shiny new Optimus Primes and Bumblebees looking me dead in the face. Do I cave? Do I resist? All I know is that the Transformers synapse in my brain is twitching…and I’ll do anything to shut it up.