So, the overlords have spoken and these are going up daily for the next week or so. Probably until the writing inevitably suffers due to boredom or a chronic hangover. Anyway, we’re rolling right now so enjoy my second day as the Mayor of Brotown!

Day Two

My house is finished! That’s the big news today. So, I woke up at about 5.30pm because I’m the Mayor of Brotown and the town motto is “fuck you, I’m sleeping.” (It has nothing to do with the fact that real-life Jake, who is sadly not Mayor of Brotown, has to work until 5pm).

So yeah, upon waking up (on the floor I might add, we’ll get to that later) I discovered I was in fact in my wonderful, new, very small home. To give you an idea of how small it is, it’s the same size as the bastard tent. 10,000 bells well spent! Or so I thought, as when I payed a trip to Tom Nook to thank him for his speedy work, he informed me that I actually owed him another 39,000 bells. This raccoon is an utter c***. Seriously, a first rate fuckwad. Consumer rights really need to get onto this guy. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to sell someone a house without telling them how much it’s going to cost first. I might scour the start menu later, have a good look for a “sue that sneaky little shit” mini-game or something.

Anyway, what use is moaning. When life gives you lemons…say “fuck the lemons” and bail. Alas, I can’t bail because I’m the mayor. I need to start mayoring (not a word, I know, but it works). Before I start mayoring, however, I need a bed. As I mentioned earlier I slept on the floor for my first night in Brotown and it was, in a word: shit. Beds are a pretty massive part of our lives when you think about it. You’re there nearly half of your life, which is mental actually. Imagine a world without beds…*shudders*.

So I went to the recycling shop. Don’t judge me! As you well know, I’ve been conned into buying a mega expensive house! I’m fucked. I’m in the red in a serious way! This is exactly how the recession started. OCCUPY NOOK!

So yeah, I bought a cheap, recycled bed. I give it three weeks before my stiff corpse is draped over it after a bad batch of heroin. Turns out the bed’s previous owner was a villager named Mac. I made a note to track Mac down tomorrow. Y’know, to thank him for the cheap, used bed. Who am I kidding? I need to know if he’s the sort of person who’s bodily fluids are something I should be worried about, because there’s this stain on the pillow…look, I don’t even want to think about it.

Bumped into Alfonso. He’s still the best thing about Brotown. A true Bro in every sense of the word. See for yourself.

Anyway, it’s been a long day of getting ripped off and buying shit furniture. I know this isn’t quite Dickens or Shakespeare yet, but bare with me, we’ll get there. Until tomorrow BROS!

Yours,

Jake

Mayor of Brotown