Oh Fisherman, why?

It pains me to say this, but our very own podcaster and newlywed, Fisherman, has finally gone off the deep end.  After marrying his longtime lady, Buggiewoman, this nautical master flew out to Hawaii for his honeymoon where he promptly raped a shark.

As his wife stood on shore, screaming for him to stop, Fish grabbed hold of a nearby marine creature and then slipped “little fishy” out of his hidey hole and proceeded to plunder the blow hole.  Yes, yes, I know that sharks don’t have blowholes – at least not ones meant for blowing through, but Fisherman found a way.  The attack continued for over five minutes, which led Buggiewoman to become concerned that something was wrong – Fish can’t swim upstream that long, if you know what I mean.

Pimps up, Ho's down!

After calling the police, Fisherman ducked under the waves and released his victim, who subsequently claimed that the laws of the sea had now betrothed them.  Fisherman denied the shark his love, and in a scene not terribly similar to Casablanca, he cried and ran away.

The police swiftly rounded him up, as he had forgotten that his swim trunks didn’t have a pee hole and had ripped his penis out of his shorts like Hulk Hogan through a wife beater to have sex with that shark.  He was taken in and charged with lewd behavior in a public space, and sodomy with an animal, which wasn’t such a big deal since he’s been on the bestiality offenders list for twenty years already.

In prison, Fisherman quickly aligned himself with a crew of pimps and ho’s that had been imprisoned the night before.  The leader of this crew was known as Peepaw Purple Panty Power (P-Quad for short), and he didn’t take kindly to Fisherman’s attempt to take over his gang.  Things escalated, and Farva got shived – no one’s really sure why that happened, but you know, shit got real.  Then it went from bad to worse! The crew used Farva’s shivving to sneak out, where they armed themselves for a final showdown.

Pirate Marx and Captain Texas

P-Quad had a clear advantage in the gun fight as he had disturbingly large eyes that helped him see in the dark, but as it turned out, he was really, really bad at aiming (shoulda played more COD BLOPS, P-Quad!)  Dave took out P-Quad quickly and convinced his Australian lover, Mutts, to give up his life of crime.

Mutts wasn’t content with simply leaving behind his life of crime, and instead turned himself into a super soldier for justice called Captain Texas.  His first order of business as a marauding super hero was to convince Buggiewoman that the Fisherman’s life of crime and marine-rape wasn’t the sort of life she wanted to get mixed up in.

Fisherman and buck-toothed PeePaw

Mutts, errr, Captain Texas and the Buggiewoman ran off together.  Fisherman tried to follow them, but Buggiewoman was too crafty for him.  She changed her name to Pirate Marx and donned a mustachioed disguise that really, really turned Mutts on (he’d been in prison for years, remember?)  The last time anyone had heard from them, Pirate Marx and Captain Texas were living in Indonesia, farming walnuts for a colony of midgets that bore a strange resemblance to their fallen friend, Farva.  They named all of the midgets Baby Flavor as they taste just like real babies.

Fisherman, however, did not have quite as happy an ending.  He tried his best to forget about the love of his life, the shark, but just couldn’t get that sweet, sweet fish out of his mind.  He swam through the surf for days, screaming out the name of his lost love, “Shark Stranger!  Shark Stranger that I raped!” but his shark never returned (though he did get a few crabs.)  He eventually retreated to the woods, never to be seen again.

We’ll miss you, Fisherman.  Long live the Fish!

UPDATE: It turns out that Fisherman is alive and well!  He is happily living in Papau New Guinea with his new love, a buck-toothed monkey that he named Peepaw in honor of the pimp that he had to kill back in Hawaii.  It is a fitting nickname, as the monkey can only reach climax when he is playing with his own urine, which has dyed his hands yellow.  Good on ya, Fish!  We wish you the best!