On Thursday evening, Warner Bros. shocked the world and infuriated the internet when they announced that Ben Affleck would be starring as Batman in the sequel to the recent Superman reboot. This also means it’s more than likely that Affleck is going to reprise his role as the caped crusader once Warner Bros. moves on to film the upcoming Justice League movie.

Batman fans across the globe cried out in horror at the announcement. Most people can agree that Affleck has matured into a decent actor, and has surprised many with his directing skills, but that hardly seems enough to make up for his super hero sins of the past (*cough* DAREDEVIL *cough*). Many people were left wondering how a major studio could make a decision that drew nearly unanimous scorn from fans.

Now the mystery is over.

Talkingship has learned from anonymous sources that Don Mattrick, the executive responsible for the disastrous launch of the Microsoft’s upcoming Xbox One (seriously, how did they not realize everyone on Earth would refer to it as the Xbone?) is also responsible for the choice of Affleck for Batman, as well as every other bad decision that has been made in the past six months.

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Mattrick said, “Look, Don just got a call from a dude at Warner Bros., and they wanted his opinion on who to cast as Batman. Don thought about it for three seconds before snapping his fingers and declaring that Affleck should get the job. What can I say? Don’s an idiot.”

It might seem odd that Warner Bros. would ask the advice of a man like Mattrick, who doesn’t have a history of making great decisions. However, we’ve learned that there’s a strategy here that everyone’s overlooking. We had to send out our very own field reporter, Farva, to uncover the facts. He had to do some unsavory things, and I’m not saying those things caused him to get semen pumped from his stomach, but I’m also not NOT saying that’s the case either.

Anyways, Farva was able to get this quote from a top executive at Warner Bros., “Look man, what can I say? We’re all pretty certain that the Justice League is going to be awful. I mean, come on. Did you actually see Green Lantern? That movie was awful, and now we’re going to try and do a Justice League movie? That’s doomed, dude. Totally doomed. So we knew we needed a scapegoat to pin the failure on, and started looking around at various other industries to try and find the perfect person. That’s what led us to Microsoft. Somehow or another, that huge corporation was able to pawn off nearly all of their decisions about the Xbone, or whatever it’s called, off on some poor shmuck. Do you really think this guy made all of their horrible decisions for them? No way. So we called Don up, and just asked him to pick who he thought would work. He said Affleck, and we’re going with it. Then, when the movie is crap, we’re going to blame it on Don.”

So there you have it, a major Talkingship scoop. Don Mattrick is responsible for every bad decision that anyone makes, from now on… for eternity.