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Talkingship – Video Games, Movies, Music & Laughs | April 25, 2019

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Fifty Shades of Pornographic Material

Book 1

Well Shipheads, as promised I dove head first into the highly acclaimed and mega-grossing novel “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Needless to say, this book is mainly read by persons of the female gender. However, curiosity got the best of me and I had to see what all the ranting and raving was about. For those planning to read the book, this article will have SPOILERS! So here we go.

The book starts off simply enough with an average girl in college, living with her best friend. Her best friend has an interview with a mega-millionaire, but she has succumb to the flu. She sends the main character, Ana, in her stead. Guess who she ends up interviewing? Christian Grey, 26 year old self-made mega millionaire who, according to Ana, is rather attractive.

Let me get down to the interesting shit.

So eventually they end up becoming a thing after some weird stalking by the rich guy. He invites her to his house after giving her some not-so-subtle ideas of what he’s like. He says things like, “I’m not a hearts and flowers kinda guy”, “I’m no good for you. You should stay away from me”, and my personal favorite, “I don’t make love, I fuck… Hard”. So you’d think this girl would have thought to herself, “Hmmm, maybe this dude is a bit of a freak and maybe he has commitment issues.” Instead, she is in his house clueless then he takes her up to his “playroom” as he calls it. In here is an assortment of whips, canes, shackles, gags, riding crops, and so on and so forth. Yes, the dude is a total fucking freak in the sack. I knew there was some catch to why women loved this book so much. It’s a release from their boring, normal sex life, and an invitation to a far more interesting and extravagant one!

Ever heard of a Red Thumb?

In my opinion, the guy is a little over the edge in the sack. I’ve tried explaining it to my female friends saying “don’t you think he is a bit of a weirdo” and they are all blinded by his (imaginary) good looks or millions of dollars. I think the moment I drew the line and said, “No, this dude is a fucking psycho,” came around the time that he took her virginity then put his thumb into her, got it covered in blood and then stuck it in her mouth and said “Suck me hard, baby.” That was my point of realization that, deep down, all the females in our lovely little world are a bunch of perverts, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to complain.

It doesn’t take too long for the sex scenes to become repetitive enough to bore you. As descriptive as the author can be, there are only so many ways to have sex on paper I suppose. The repetition of the sex scenes gets old really fast. I was aiming for a little more plot and a little less “spanking” and “punishment” as the book so elegantly puts it. The most intriguing part of the actual story for me was probably Grey’s contract. He told Ana before they enjoyed “the playroom” that she had to sign a contract the terms of which they would discuss. The contract included, but was not limited to, set requirements of sleep and food, a 4x weekly personal trainer visit, a clothing allowance, and hard and soft limits along with safety words and a full rundown of his “experience”. I just thought to myself any man that can get a woman to sign that contract (the term of which lasts 3 months) must be either, A: A total beast in the sack or B: Fictional.

Naughty, naughty vagina.

One thing to say to the book’s credit, towards the middle and throughout the end of the book the author really ups her vocabulary and there are some smart jokes that make you laugh a bit. And the best part about it was that it didn’t have the Hollywood happy ending, unlike most love stories. However there are two more books and I’m like 98% sure they end up happily ever after from the look on my female friend’s and families’ faces when they finish the books.

Overall the book was decent. It had a solid storyline that was pretty easy to follow but after you finish all you feel is, “I just read 500 pages of a girl trying to make a guy love her.” That was the basis of the whole first story. Ana just trying to get past Christian’s issues and make him love her, which she failed to do. Is it worth reading? I don’t know, if you’re bored and like potentially uncomfortable eroticism or if you just want a slightly better idea of how the Dominant/Submissive sex life is or is played. It certainly opens your eyes a little bit and overall I highly recommend that men have your females read it, just because it could lead to a livening of your sex life! I know I’m going to use some of that shit. Well this is the end and I didn’t spontaneously grow a vagina or anything unusual, I’m pretty ecstatic about that. Thanks for reading, Shipheads.

(Editor’s Note: Colby has refused to take showers with the rest of the crew after reading this book. We can neither confirm nor deny the rumors that he sprouted a vagina.)