DO NOT WANT

Star Wars has always held a special place in my heart.  The first movie came out the year I was born, and they have always been a part of my life.  While many of my friends asked for GI Joes for Christmas, I never wavered in my love of all things Star Wars, continually begging my parents for an ATAT and a Milenium Falcon.  In my youth, there was nothing that could ever tarnish the legacy that Lucas had created (I won’t rant about how awful Episode’s 1 -3 are in this article.)  This was in large part because of the campaign that George had gone on to destroy all traces of the video I just watched: The Star Wars Holiday Special.

32 years ago, after Star Wars had become a blockbuster hit, George Lucas gave the go ahead for people to capitalize upon it’s success by getting together the entire cast and creating a 2 hour holiday special to air on television.  Everything that could go wrong did, and what resulted was two hours of the most nonsensical garbage ever released.  Lucas was furious with the result and did everything he could to ensure it disappeared. It aired just one time, and was never seen nor heard of again… or so we thought.

In the early 90’s, rumors started to circulate that someone had taped the special when it had come on television.  VCRs were rare in 1978, which meant that very few of these tapes could possibly exist, but copies began to leak out.  Soon, more and more people were getting their hands on copies of the tape that had been re-recorded several times.  The video and audio quality of the tapes were terrible, but they existed, and this gave people hope!  Then came the internet.

With the explosion of useless information that became what we know today as the internets, one may have guessed that the Star Wars Holiday Special would have been one of the first things to find its way into the airwaves.  However, it continued to be elusive.  Clips would show up on Youtube from time to time, but getting the chance to see the entire thing was still difficult.  That has all changed.  The entire film is now available on Google Videos http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=323909610753051544#

This film is crap, pure and simple.  You should not waste your time watching it unless you are a diehard Star Wars dork, like me.  For the rest of you who are simply curious about this two hour travesty, I will give you a quick synopsis.

Part One: The special kicks off with Han Solo and Chewbacca trying to outrun a Star Destroyer so they can get back to Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day, a celebration that is similar to Thanksgiving but whose name evokes thoughts of pro-life demonstrators crying over stem cells.  The acting is a bit off and the ship’s set looks somewhat unstable, but I must admit that seeing Han and Chewy in the Falcon racing through space while avoiding laser blasts gave me a little nerd chub.  For a brief moment I had the feeling that this was going to be better then I thought.  The best allegory I can give is the feeling you had twenty minutes into The Phantom Menace, “this might not be so bad.”  And we all know how that turned out.

Things rapidly devolve as we are shuttled away to Kashyyyk to spend the next ten minutes getting to know Chewbacca’s family. He has a wife, Mara, that is almost certainly a man, a crotchety old father whose wizened face looks like a diseased butthole, and a capricious son who I can’t blame Chewbacca for all but abandoning.  The house in Kashyyyk looks exactly like a suburban house in any late 1970’s neighborhood except that it is perched up in a tree.  The creators made zero effort to make this look like a space-age house in any way, it could literally be the next door neighbor’s house on The Brady Bunch.

I should mention something, this special was supposed to be a mix of the movie and a variety show, both of which were incredibly popular at the time.  We get our first taste of this as Chewbacca’s son turns on their chess-set-television-entertainment-mechanism to start a holographic depiction of acrobatics similar to what you might see at the worst Cirque-Du-Soleil show you’ve ever witnessed.  This is backdropped with an inane soundtrack that may very well be the elevator music between the third and fourth levels of hell.

After listening to these wookies caterwaul for ten minutes, I was delighted when a message popped up on their viewscreen (in english no less) that they have reached traffic control.  Maybe I will finally get to see something OTHER then these walking carpets bellow at one another.  Then they get the message that there are no starships in the area and they sulk away. Good lord.  Am I going to be forced to sit here and listen to them grunt for another ten minutes?!  They retreat to their secret hidden bookcase microwave and turn it on to reveal a viewscreen with none other then Luke Skywalker and R2D2!

This was filmed before the disfiguring accident that left Mark Hammil’s face scarred between Star Wars and the Empire Strikes Back (which is explained away by the attack of the white cookie monster, also known as a Wompa, on Hoth at the beginning of Empire) and I can’t help but notice how much Mark Hammil looks like a woman.  He is covered in pancake make up and looks eerily like David Bowie here.  This interlude lasts maybe a minute before the wookies try to contact a local trader played by Art Carney.  They learn that Chewbacca is indeed on the way while Art artfully dodges an imperial scout that steals a grooming device.  It’s all pretty boring, so I won’t go into the details of the exchange except to say that the pocket aquarium might be the dumbest trinket ever created.  I want one now.

Next we are treated to Darth Vader demanding that every household in the system is searched to find the rebels.  Seriously?  Every household in the SYSTEM?  Darth, baby, that ain’t gonna happen!!  After this short clip we are then given the best thing that this show has to offer: the commercials!  This part is great, and if you stumble upon a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special that does not include the commercials then I suggest you keep on searching.  Getting the opportunity to see these commercials from decades long lost is like a time capsule that is infinitely more entertaining then the special itself.  These are the commercials during the first break: A GM Spot (hilarious because of how they talk about the great quality of GM cars while at the height of the American Auto Decay – This was the same time period where American car companies were purposefully making shitty cars to get people to buy them more frequently!), and a Kenner toy car that follows a line that you draw (MOTHER FUCKER, MOM!  Why didn’t I have one of these when I was a kid?  This toy is freaking AWESOME!  I want one NOW and I’m 33 years old!)  Then that’s it.  Just two commercials and we’re back into the show again? Did ancient people really only have two commercials per break?!  Wow – the 70’s were awesome.

Part Two: Things kick off with more wookie jabbering.  By this point I am ready to punch my dog just because he reminds me of a wookie (well, that and he shit on the floor last night – that makes me think about wookies shitting, which makes me think of their awful dingleberries.)  As my mind drifts to avoid listening to wookie-speak anymore, I am delighted when Harvey Korman shows up on the monitor dressed as a woman doing a cooking show all about how to make Bantha Loin taste yummy.  The whole joke here is that Harvey has four arms and there is a lot of talk about whipping and beating.  Mix that in with the wookie’s grunts and I feel like I should turn down the sound on my computer so my daughter doesn’t think I’m watching bestiality porn in here.

Cut to Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting tie fighters!  Fuck YES!  Finally something good…. Wait a second, I recognize that shot of the tie fighters attacking the Milenium Falcon.  Then I realize that every single exterior shot of this fight is rehashed footage from Star Wars and my spirit sinks.  Even the fun parts of this suck.

Next a message pops up on the viewscreen at the Wookie’s house and we learn the empire has declared Marshall Law on the planet of  Kazook.  Wait, did he just say Kazook?  That’s not how you pronounce the name of this planet!  Nerd Rage Engage! How is the word Kashyyyk turned into Kazook?  It’s pronounced, Kash-Eek you dumb bastard.  This leads into Art Carney showing back up and delivering some presents, which takes us to what is, without question, the most disturbing part of this show: Grandpa Itchy jerks off.  Seriously.

Art Carney’s present to Grandpa Itchy is a proton pack that he can hook into a machine that looks something like a VR Simulator.  Itchy gets in, puts a helmet on, and is treated to a visage of Diahann Carroll talking to him about how good she feels and how good she makes him feel.  I am not overstating this by saying that Itchy is jerking off.  Here is a direct quote from what she says: “Oh Yes, I can feel my creation. I’m getting your message.  Are you getting mine?”  Itchy wiggles and growls in excitement.  “Oh.  Ohhhh.  We are excited, aren’t we?  YES! Oooooh.”  Itchy wiggles and groans in pleasure.  “Now we can have a good time. Can’t we?  I’ll tell you a secret.  I find you adorable.”

Itchy wanks off in the living room with a helmet on.  At this point I wish my wandering thoughts had stopped at dingleberries, but now all I can think of is how annoying it is when jilm gets into my pubic hair.  Wookies must smell like old, crusty gym socks.  Anyhow, Diahann (hey lady, you spell your name like an idiot.  KAZOOK!) sings for a while and then it cuts away so that Itchy can get his nit comb to pull the chunks out of his man patch.

Speaking of jilm, Carrie Fisher comes on screen.  Ladies, please forgive me for my crudeness here, but seeing Carrie Fisher in that white gown with her hair in those dumb buns makes me wish I had a pleasure hat like Itchy.  Princess Leia is a sex symbol for the dorks in my generation and evokes memories of our burgeoning sexuality that we couldn’t possibly understand when we were that age.  She runs around the entire first Star Wars film wearing nothing but a thin table cloth and no bra.  The tingle in your pants ain’t cause you have to pee, kids!  Long before I can get my fill, Princess Leia is gone and my buzz is harshed by more wookie growling.  Art Carney smells something in the air and asks, “What is that I smell?  Is that some of those famous Wookie Ookies?”  No, Art, that’s Itchy in the jerk-off-omatic you gave him.

Han and Chewbacca fly down to Yavin 4… oh wait, I mean they fly into Kashyyk – fucking stock footage from Star Wars!  But before they can get home, storm troopers arrive at the house!  Cue the commercials!!  Thank God.

The first commercial is for the CBS Sunday Lineup (60 Minutes, All In The Family, Alice, Lucy Comes To Nashville, and Dallas),

Comtrex (a cold reliever that I’ve never heard of) that features a guy with the most perfect helmet set of hair I think I’ve ever seen, a Ladies Garment Union commercial urging us to buy American because lots of clothes manufacturing jobs were moving out of the country (the highlight of the commercial is the guy walking by in the outrageous 70’s get up with the gigantic collar!  How did that ever go out of style?), a Genuine Bell phone commercial, The Bible television special, a Reggie Jackson candy, and then our reprieve is ended and it’s back to the God Awful action.

Part Three: The stormtroopers burst into the house along with a commander and one of the guys who activated the Death Star laser in Star Wars.  I guess they were just raiding the costume closet and wanted to use as many different uniforms from Star Wars as they could find.  So is this how they are searching every house in the sector?  With four guys per house?  Are there only like ten houses in the sector, cause if there’s more then this it’s going to take a while.  Lucky they stumbled on this house early.  The commander orders the troopers to search the dwelling, which they do by putting their hands carefully on statues and trinkets before moving on.  I’m guessing the producer let them use his house as long as they promised not to muck things up too much.  During this, Art Carney blathers on while sporting the deepest V Neck shirt ever created.  Hey, Art, no one is getting turned on by staring into your belly button cleavage.  Eventually, Art activates a lunchbox that turns into a tiny stage for Jefferson Starship to play music, leading us into our next musical interlude.  Remember, this is a Variety show after all.

At this point I have some sympathy for the screenwriter of this mess. If someone came to me and said they wanted me to write a Star Wars Variety Special that featured a performance by Jefferson Starship that I had to somehow weave into the narrative I would have just hung myself.  In fact, I had to stop myself from unconsciously choking myself out with a blanket while this song played. I am 54 minutes into this by the time the music stops, and when I glance at the time remaining I see that I still have an hour left to go.  I feel like I’ve hit the proverbial wall that marathon runners always talk about.  If I just keep pushing on, the pain will go away and I’ll be in a daze until it’s over.  I want to believe that’s possible, but I know it’s not.

The Stormtroopers search the house while the kid freaks out and is told to go watch some television.  He puts some head phones on and tunes into a cartoon about Han Solo, Chewbacca, and the other rebels fighting the empire.  HEY YOU DUMB SHIT, this isn’t the best time to watch that particular cartoon!

The cartoon starts with a mystery about why Han Solo is hanging upside down in the Milenium Falcon while Chewy flys away into a jelly filled sea on a planet where I suspect Smuckers is currently mining.  Luke heads off to investigate and is forced to jettison the escape pod of his Y-Wing (since when does Luke fly a Y-Wing, and DORK-Alert: how neat was it to see that a Y-Wing can eject the capsule portion when in danger?!)  A Jelly monster attacks and then shit gets real when we are introduced, for the FIRST time in Star Wars history, to Boba Fett!  It turns out that Chewbacca has some weird talisman that he is trying to destroy because it makes humans go to sleep, and the only way to keep them alive is to hang them upside down.  Wtf?  How did Chewbacca know that was the only way to keep the humans alive when Han fell asleep?  I can think of a thousand things I’d try to keep someone alive that had fallen asleep before I came to hanging them upside down.  The first thing would be to put them in bed, but whatever.  Boba and Chewbacca head into town to get the remedy and it is revealed that Boba Fett is actually working with Darth Vader!  I have to admit, this whole cartoon part is pretty fucking cool.  As a Star Wars geek, this cartoon has made watching this whole movie worth while.  Of course, my elation is muted as they cut back to the dumb wookie kid watching the cartoon and making a worried noise when Darth Vader shows up on screen.  The commander asks, “What is it now?” and heads over to see what the kid is watching.  Thankfully, before I can question why the fuck the kid is watching a cartoon about the exploits of his dad against the empire while the empire is searching his house, they cut to commercial.

The first commercial this time is another GM spot.  It is comedic how this commercial talks about how important it is that they build good cars because otherwise the customer is going to start to go elsewhere to buy quality.  Wow.  Next is a Pillsbury Pudding Cake mix spot.  There’s PUDDING in the mix!  That sounds delicious.  Then we have a Hungry Jack Biscuit commercial featuring the giant axman and his momma.  A Newsbreak then comes in with several quick stories, including one about how people thought the Blizzard of 78 would have led to a lot of pregnancies, but it never happened, which lead people to speculate that the men were just too busy shoveling snow.  Then a trippy, quick Contac commerical splits the newsbreak in two, which totally fucked with my head.  Did the newsbreak just have a commercial?  Weirdness.  Next there is a CBS spot for Bobby Vinton’s Rock and Rollers, and a preview of a movie I’ve never heard of called The Wild Geese, a car dealership, and an odd, non-descript consumer catalogue that has something to do with fat people.

Part Four: The wookie kid, also known as Lumpy (seriously, that’s his name is this. Chewbacca named his kid Lumpy and his dad is named Itchy.  I now hate wookies.), turns his viewscreen over to a computer game to fool the empire commander.  Then it’s back to the cartoon.

Boba and Chewy return and revive Han and Luke.  Then C3P0 reveals that Boba is a bounty hunter working for Darth Vader. Boba pulls out his gun and I am fully entrenched in this story.  It’s so exciting to see this all play out!  I am ready to 100% endorse the entire Star Wars Holiday Special just to see this short cartoon.  I even like the funky art style they use.  I’m ready for the climax of the story.  How are they going to get away from Boba Fett now that he has them all at his advantage in the ship, at gunpoint, ready to turn them in to Darth Vader?

Boba Fett gets scared and runs away.  I swear to fucking God, that is how this ends.  C3P0 reveals Boba Fett’s ties to the empire and Boba pulls out his gun, points it at them, and then hits his rocket pack to fly away while saying, “We’ll meet again, friend.”  I actually rewound it and watched the end again just to make sure I didn’t miss something.  Isn’t this exactly what Boba Fett wanted?  Sure, Darth Vader suggested that Boba Fett become friends with them to try and locate the rebel base, but the whole point was to capture Han and Luke anyhow.  Didn’t he just do that?  FUCK!  Even the good parts of this suck!  KAZOOK!

Now we go back to the Wookie’s house and someone must hate the producer because the stormtroopers have started trashing the place.  Lumpy has to watch an instructional video on how to put together one of the toys that the stormtroopers destroyed, which leads us into another Harvey Korman bit.  He is playing a malfunctioning android that is instructing viewers on how to put together this stupid machine.  The odd thing about this bit is just how boring it is.  There is nothing redeeming about this bit at all.  It is about stereo instructions and reads exactly like stereo instructions.  Then the android breaks and it cuts to commercial. What the fuck, Harvey?  I’m sure the paycheck was nice, but this shit is ridiculous.

The first commercial is for TOBOR the telesonic robot.  What the hell is a telesonic robot?  Apparently it’s another way of saying it’s a shitty remote controlled robot, just like TOBOR is a shitty way of saying ROBOT.   The remote control can’t actually control the robot, you just click a massive button and it will change direction.  No thanks, I’ll take the baby toy from earlier with the van that follows my crayon marks, thank you very much.  Then there is a Revlon commercial complete with 70’s luxurious fashion sense and after that a Whirlpool commercial that just shows a bald eagle killing fish while they tell you how important it is to build quality items in America.  I’m sensing a theme in these 70’s commercials.  Hey, 197o’s, I’d like to introduce you to our current American economy in which hardly ANYTHING is manufactured here anymore.  Sorry, your commercials failed.

Part Five: The empire goons at the house are all forced to watch a mandatory update on the television that depicts life on Tatooine.  It’s probably not a great idea to force your soldiers to watch an inane clip of useless information about Tatooine while they are trying to search through every house in the sector for rebels.  But you know, whatever.

The scene starts out with clips from Star Wars that take us to the famous canteen scene.  Then it switches from stock footage to a new scene at the bar, which was actually somewhat impressive.  Instead of just throwing costumes on actors and filming in their producer’s house, they went to a set for this one and spent some time putting even more costumes on people!  This actually might not be so bad.  Then Harvey Korman walks in.  Shit.

I am a Harvey Korman fan, but in this special his appearances have been nothing short of disastrous.  Perhaps the third time’s the charm.  He comes in with flowers and the camera cuts to a woman behind the bar.  Is that Bea Arthur?  Yes it is, and now my faith in this bit has been shattered.  By the way, why does Harvey Korman have a volcano on his head?  Oh it’s so he can drink with it.  Whatever, let’s get this shit over with.

Harvey’s character is in love with Bea Arthur but she isn’t interested in him.  The night before, when he had left the bar, she said to him, “Come back soon, I’ll be waiting.”  Harvey thought this meant she loved him, but she says that to everyone.  The stormtroopers watching this at the wookie house look at one another as if to ask, “Seriously?  They made us stop searching houses to watch that?  What the fuck is wrong with them?”  I’m right there with you, guys.  Except no one but my own dork self is forcing me to watch this.  sigh.

But the pain isn’t over yet.  The empire announces that everyone has to go home and Bea Arthur starts to walk around the bar to tell everyone to go home but no one wants to leave.  Eventually someone pulls a gun on her and they all start chanting that they want a free drink.  Bea relents and starts serving them, then the horror happens: Bea Arthur starts singing.  FUCK! This is a musical number?!  Oh for the love of God.  The song is sung along to a goofier version of the song made famous in the original canteen scene, but with Bea’s warbled man-singing telling everyone, “Goodnight Friend.”

The commander receives a message telling him to return to base on a walkie talkie with a three and a half foot long antenna.  They leave one stormtrooper behind to watch the house, and as soon as he is alone he runs upstairs to the kid’s room where I am hoping he is going to shoot Lumpy in the back of the head, but it cuts to commercial.

The first commercial got a genuine laugh from me.  A woman is complaining about a headache when her friend tells her to take an Anacin.  The woman with the headache says that she wants relief but is worried about safety.  They go to the pharmacy and the clerk tells them that all leading brands of aspirin are safe when used as directed but only Anacin combines safety with the added benefit of extra strength.  Huh?  Does it make any sense to offer a woman concerned about the safety of aspirin a brand that is super strength? She takes the box gladly and says, “Strength with safety.  That’s common sense.”  WTF?!  No, bitch, it’s not.  You’ve got it totally fucking backwards.  Then there is a boring Woolite commercial, one for Sheer Pantyhouse that declares that you can finally have real panties in your pantyhouse (just what Farva’s always wanted), and then an awesome Egg McMuffin commercial that makes me want one of those immediately.  Next we see what is coming on after the Star Wars Special.  It’s a show called Flying High which seems to be about stewardesses that fuck a lot. I am serious.  That truly seems to be what this show is about.  They literally talk about how they aren’t going to be wearing many clothes and about how no one is getting any sleep tonight in bed.  CBS in the 70’s was awesome.  After that we see another car dealership commercial that confirms the fact that these types of commercials have ALWAYS been useless.  Then there is a preview for the Michael Jackson movie, The Wiz and a news update that is cut in half before we get right back into what I hope will be the Lumpy head bashing scene!

Part Six: The Stormtrooper is really pissed at Lumpy!  He starts breaking things in his room and then gets ready to beat the shit out of the kid.  Lumpy runs down the stairs, chased awkwardly by the man in the stormtrooper suit (poor actor in that get up trying to chase a midget down those winding stairs!)  Lumpy runs outside to find his father, Chewbacca, coming in.  The stormtrooper sees Chewy and points his gun at him, but Han Solo knocks the gun away and the stormtrooper trips over it (he really does trip over his own gun) and crashes through the railing of the house to fall to his death.  Wow, hey wookies, you should probably look into reinforcing the only protection you have between your porch and a thousand foot fall.  We get treated to the infamous Wilhelm Scream as the stormtrooper falls.

Han and Chewy reunite with the happy family, declaring everything is all right now.  Despite the fact that a stormtrooper just plummeted to his death outside of their house.  I am guessing someone is going to notice the guy went missing, so we should probably pack our shit up fast and get the hell out of here.  Ahhhh, fuck it.  It’s Life Day!

Han has to leave quickly and I get the distinct impression that he’s been fucking Chewbacca’s wife.  There’s just something about the way he gazes into her eyes that says, “Chewbacca never has to know that Lumpy is my son.  You keep that secret between you and I or the empire is going to be fishing your rotting carcass out of their shower drain with a roto rooter.”  But that might just be me.

Art Carney comes back and takes care of the problem about the dead stormtrooper by telling them that he disappeared and that they should send out a search party.  Do you think that search party might start searching at the last place he was seen?  That would be where I’d start, but whatever.  The wookies start celebrating Life Day by holding up snow globes and dressing in Snuggies.  After they walk into a giant glowing orb it is off to commercials while we all shake our heads in confusion.

First we get an FTD commercial complete with a guy dressed up in a skin tight gold suit delivering flowers to dying people.  If a guy dressed in all gold with wings on his head brings me flowers on my deathbed I will not be held accountable for what happens to him.  I’m not going out without a fight, demon god! Next is a Fruit of the Loom spot that features all of our favorite fruit/man hybrid creatures that still make me wonder how they connected underwear with fruit.  You’d think they would have at least made them nuts (Nuts in the Loom underwear!)  After that there is a phone commercial, but then we are horrified by another Sheer Pantyhose commercial where the woman displays the crotch in a creepy display with her fingers spreading the cotton panty lining apart.  I don’t generally think of vaginas as monsters, but this display makes me think immediately of the Predators gaping maw.  Yikes.

Part Seven: I think now we’re in a giant glowing snowglobe with hundreds of Snuggie befitted wookies.  Can you imagine having to clean those things?  The Snuggie I bought for my wife got used as a dog blanket once by accident and there was never any turning back for it.  C3P0, R2D2, Luke, Han, and Leia are all there, which makes no sense at all, but I guess I’m happy to see them again.  Leia gives a speech about how great Life Day is all while rubbing Chewbacca inappropriately, but that’s okay because Han is fucking Chewie’s wife anyways.  Then Leia starts singing.  Oh God Damn it.  Carrie Fisher was the only thing about this whole special that made me happy.  Now you’re fucking that up too!  Even the good things suck!!  KAZOOK!

If you suffered through this whole thing, then give it just a minute more.  You may be tempted, like I was, to click stop as soon as you could, but if you are patient you will get a treat.  There is a commercial for some air freshener and then the coup de grace: A STAR WARS TOY COMMERCIAL!  These kids are playing with Tie Fighters and X-Wings and Darth Vadar and a remote controlled R2D2 (eat your heart out, Telesonic Tobor!)  They have a landspeeder and… And… AND HOLY FUCK!  A DEATH STAR TOY with FOUR STORIES OF ACTION.  I never even had a friend that had that thing.  I swear, if someone walked into my house with the Death Star play set right now I would get down on my hands and knees and play with it for hours.  Mom, make me a grilled cheese, I’ve got a galaxy to save!  Nothing after that will come close to entertaining you, except maybe the wine ad that uses this catch phrase, “After all, taste is the best way to know if you like a wine.”  Wow, thanks for that bit of knowledge.  I thought it was the way it made me poop.

There is a short sequence of the Wookies praying over their snowglobe dinner before the credits roll and then the pain will end. After it was all over, I was left with a feeling of accomplishment and pride at how I had finally gotten through this event.  Then I made the decision to write an article about it, and my simple viewing of this trash became a day long, epic retelling of it.  As I sit here, typing the conclusion of this article, I am forced to recognize that George Lucas, nor the people responsible for this travesty, are the ones responsible for my pain.  That burden is placed on my shoulders and mine alone.  I did this to myself, and I have no excuse…  KAZOOK!