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Talkingship – Video Games, Movies, Music & Laughs | June 16, 2019

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The Foolproof Guide to Using Logic in the Face of Zombies and Certain Death

This post is definitely NOT the thing you should be reading if the world is overrun by zombies…unless you have a laptop in a well stocked attic. You probabaly aren’t getting any other good entertainment, seeing as the TV runners and the radio personalities are all dead. That’s probably Conan O’Brien breaking your grandmother’s finest china now.

Wait a minute. Why aren’t you dead? Something is very wrong here.

You see, children…we’ve been desensitized. Not to violence or sex (though that’s probabaly the case regardless), but to zombies. So many video games and movies come out where the main character(s) is (are) empowered and awesome supermen with huge weapons and a fresh stock of manliness (unless they’re female, in which case they’ll probably be the manliest of them all).

"Introducing our new and innovative topping: Brains"

Consuming this media has really caused us to drop our guard. Our awareness has been breached and it is my personal idea of civic duty to help you…by telling you to drop dead. I mean…if you encounter a zombie, you’re going to die and become one of them. There’s no way around it.

I’ve got with me a guide for you. You probabaly know by the title of the post what it’s called, but I’ll let you know again in case you’re stupid or already a zombie (they score high on the ACT, ok?). It’s called “The Foolproof Guide to Using Logic in the Face of Zombies and Certain Death.” It’s part autobiography, so reading the whole thing might result in some discomfort while I cry about my life. What I’ve done here, however, is given you the important bits. What’s the point of me making money off my book? I’m dead…and even if I wasn’t, by the time you even thought about going to the store to buy it…you’d be dead too.

I really need to start showing you these steps…you’re about to be a zombie. You need all the time you can get.

Fat man can't run fast, meaning he will feed many zombies for many moons. Or just one.

Step 1.
Come to terms with your situation…your house is most likely being approached by the horde. You need to realize that you’re in serious trouble…and fast. If you don’t skip straight to acceptance, you’ll have to be the one that explains the 5 stages of grief to the zombies. Let me tell you…it isn’t easy when the only thing you can say is “unnnnngggghhhh *gurgle* rrrraaaahhhh uuuuuunnnggghhh” (that loosely translates to “have you seen Iron Man 2 on Blu-Ray? I find Scarlet Johansen very attractive in HD.” My Ancient Zombie is a little rusty though, so don’t quote me).

Step 2.
Be sure you have an attic. If you live in an apartment, you’re probabaly going to die. If you live in a house with an attic stuffed with boxes…you’re probably going to die. There’s no way you’re going to be able to clear out years of antiquated “treasure” (“Really mom? You really needed all these porcelain cats?”) from your past before the undead masses of hungry flesh rotters stumble into your hallway and smell meat. If you have an attic free of clutter, then you should be cool unless you follow the next step. If you decide you want to live longer, skip right to step 4.

Zombies do not like turtles. They like you...for dinner...preferably with A1.

Step 3.
If you’re here, then I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…because you’re either dead…or about to dead (no…that wasn’t a typo). You see…step 3 involves you traversing your house (that has, most likely, been breached) to retrieve sustenance. A brown paper grocery bag should be your weapon of choice (don’t bother with a gun. There’s too many of them). Stuff it full of canned foods and whatever else you can. Then look at it one last time and take a large bite out of your favorite food in the bag while the zombies take a large bite out of you.

Step 4.
Seeing as step 3 doesn’t ever actually lead to step 4, there’s only one scenario you can have here. We’re making the assumption that you and your trusty laptop went straight up into your attic. You are now probably starving and parched…don’t worry. The zombies can’t get you…but this is a much slower way to die.

Just to sum up. You’re going to die eventually. Don’t try and fight it.

But in case you’re determined to anyway, I’ve compiled a “Do and Don’t” list. Honestly, it’s a “One Do and Many Don’t” list, but that seems a lot more depressing.

You mother...*ahem*...child fucker!

DO accept the futility of your situation
DON’T dance with the zombies. They don’t like dancing. Michael Jackson’s death was tragic, but he will ultimately be the death of many fun loving children thanks to Thriller. He died and took you with him.
DON’T feed the zombies. Get near enough and they’ll feed themselves.
DON’T pretend to be a zombie. Shaun of the Dead may be a hilarious masterpiece, but zombies can sense if you aren’t one of them.
DON’T leave your home. If you leave your home, you’ll probably meet a ragtag group of survivors that get killed one by one. Knowing your luck, you’ll be first. Also. This isn’t a movie. THE BLACK PERSON WON’T ALWAYS DIE FIRST!
DON’T use the internet. What do you think you’re you doing!? Your computer is one of them now! Great job! Sarcasm!

Go up to any person and ask them what their zombie plan is. Someone will come up with something serious and ridiculous…someone will come up with something funny and ridiculous…someone will come up with something serious, unintentionally funny, and ridiculous. It takes all sorts.

Me? I’m going to offer myself up as soon as possible. At least I get to prey on your foolish flesh from the beginning.

To clarify: This guide applies to both groups depicted here.