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Farva 03-31-2010 12:04 PM

Drunken Story Time
 
What's the worst thing you've ever done/said/seen while drunk?

About two years ago, me and my brother left this bar in Alaska completely shit faced. As we turned the corner of the bar, there was a cop car sitting there. No one was in it, and I had to piss so my brother convinced me to wash his rear wheel. Please note, this is in November. I decided to make it even funnier, I pulled my pants and boxers down to my ankles and started to let go. My brother, seizing the opportunity decided to find the cop and explain to him that some drunk was pissing on his car.

So, here I am, half naked just getting ready to finish washing this tire when, suddenly I'm on ground writhing in pain in the snow and my own piss (still have naked of course). Apparently, the cop decided to just taser me in the ass. My brothe laughed so hard he may have pissed himself. The cop ended up letting me go with a warning (I think he knew my dad). Anyway, long story short, my brother is an asshole.

Jitterbug 03-31-2010 04:19 PM

I think I told this story on the show, but here it goes (get ready, because it's a long one):

I was living in the Tampa area for a while, and I became really close friends with this guy that I worked with named Chris. Well, it was his birthday, and Chris was flying his buddy in from Missouri to celebrate. We rented a Ford Mustang Convertible and got Chris' brother-in-law to join us on a trip to Y'bor city, which is a street in Tampa that is well known for it's bars and nightlife. We told our wives that we were headed to Dave and Busters to spend the night playing games and drinking.

We walked into Dave and Busters - drank a beer - then looked at each other and all agreed that there was no way we were going to play video games on guy's night out. So we hit the bars.

I have no idea how many bars we went to, but I know I wasn't the designated driver. This meant, of course, that I needed to drink more then everyone else to prove my manhood. I do remember getting very vocally angry that the people I was with that night wanted to watch a Gin Blossoms cover band instead of a bad ass Blues guy (I'm still a little pissed about that.) I also remember drunk dialing Nerves (who lived in Indiana) at about 1 in the morning and getting a waitress to try and convince him to fly out and meet us.

As we were leaving - we saw a cop riding on a horse. My buddy, Chris, thought this was the coolest thing he had ever seen in his life (he comes from Missouri - give him a break) and started petting the horse on the face. The cop leaned down and said, "It's okay if you pet him, just not on the face. It makes him nervous."

"Okay," said Chris. Then he proceeded to slap the horse in the face and say, "You're just so pretty!"

I heard the cop say, "Mother Fucker!" then I grabbed Chris, waved at the cop and said, "We're leaving," before racing down the street to the car. We hopped in, and I came to that awful realization that I am never going to make it home without puking. You are all probably familiar with this feeling. It's that moment where all hopes are dashed and the swirling in you stomach reaches a level that a thousand rides on the Whizzer Rollercoaster will never be able to equal. But before I knew it, we were in the rental with the top down, screaming obscenities at passer-bys in the glorious manner that all of the frat boys we've come to hate like to do.

We made it over the bridge and back to Clearwater, where my apartment was. I think the bugs thwapping into my forehead the whole way was just the distraction I needed to keep the puke in, but now we were at a stop light, and I needed to puke.

"Just let me out here," I said. "I can just walk from here." I saw a Burger King and understood that their toilets would be a better place to puke then the rental car.

"We're like a mile from your house, dude," said Chris. "Why the fuck do you want to walk."

"I dunno. It's a nice night and shit. And Burger King. And I thought... fuck it, just get me home." I rambled something to that extent.

Somehow, through the grace of the vomit-gods, I was able to hold the vicious mixture of shots - beer - shots - more beer - and stale chips from that Blues bar down until we got into my apartment complex. I shuffled out of the car and waved as they drove away. Then I realized my new dilemma: I had to face my wife. Shit. I knew that no matter how quiet I tried to be, my entrance into the apartment was going to be something akin to a locomotive crash - if trains could puke that is.

I thought about my options. I could just puke in the street, but seriously - yuck. I could puke in Tampa Bay, after all, our apartment was right on the bay. I could just walk right over to the water and throw up, but I'm guessing the neighbors would be a little pissed. I could puke in the pool - WAIT! I HAD THE SOLUTION!

I got my apartment key and ran to the pool. There was a bathroom there that could be opened with all of the complex's apartment keys!! PERFECT!. I rushed in, delighted at how the place had been freshly scrubbed and amused by how I was about to defile it, fell onto my knees and gave the porcelain God the best sacrifice he's gotten in years.

Then I fell asleep.

..........


Who knows how much time passed. An hour? Two hours? No clue. But I wake up to the sound of my cell phone vibrating on the tile floor. What the fuck? Where am I? Who's calling me at this hour? I pick up the phone and see that there are ten messages. I listen to the first:

It's my wife: "Honey? I was just calling to check on how things are going. It's getting late, I was just wondering what time you were going to be home."

Oh shit. Second message: "Aaron." (She's not calling me honey anymore.) "It's really late. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Can you call me back please?"

I start to stumble up from the tile as the third message plays: "Aaron," she's obviously crying. "Where are you? I just talked to Chris and he said he dropped you off. Are you okay? Where are you?"

I am literally bouncing off the wall as I try to weave my way to the door of the bathroom as the next message plays. "Fucking shit, man," says Chris. "What the fuck happened to you dude? Jackie just called here looking for you. Are you getting ass raped or something?"

I make it out of the bathroom and start the walk of shame back home. Then I hear my wife's voice in the distance, "Aaron? Aaron? Aaron?"

I gurgled an answer, "Yep. I'm here."

I see my wife with my one year old daughter cradled in her arms. My wife 's crying and has been walking all around the complex looking for me for the past hour. She was about to call the police because she thought I had gone swimming in the Bay and had drowned.

My lame attempt to keep from waking her and the baby up while I puked had turned into one of the worst nights of her life. Thus, a legendary story was born.

And no, I never lived it down.

Farva 03-31-2010 06:31 PM

That was BRILLIANT!

doworkson176 03-31-2010 08:49 PM

That may have been one of the greatest stories i have ever read!

Jitterbug 03-31-2010 09:32 PM

Glad you guys enjoyed it.

Cam-Dog 04-05-2010 06:00 PM

That was the best story ever! You haven't said it on the show so you have to next chance you get.

doworkson176 04-05-2010 07:51 PM

That story is on the same level as some of the stuff that Tucker Max has done.

Jitterbug 04-05-2010 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doworkson176 (Post 3279)
That story is on the same level as some of the stuff that Tucker Max has done.

I loved that book. Haven't watched the movie yet - but the book was great.

doworkson176 04-05-2010 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jitterbug (Post 3285)
I loved that book. Haven't watched the movie yet - but the book was great.

I loved both of them! That book though, I dont know if i have ever laughed that hard. One of the best stories was the time Tucker tried anal! I had to put the book down i was laughing so hard!

Farva 04-06-2010 10:37 PM

I made great time on a trip into Phoenix to visit my folks. Since I'd arrived a few hours before they'd be home, I decided to hit up a local hangout my brother and I would go to for a few mid-day beverages. After twenty minutes or so, a beautful woman walked in and sat about three stools down from me.

After a minute or two, I figured she was there alone and so was I so I introduced myself and asked if I could sit by her to maybe pass a little time. I found out soon enough that she spoke pretty good English if I spoke slowly enough. She was from Mexico and was in with her mother to visit her aunt and uncle nearby in Phoenix. She told me she'd gotten off the flight a few hours before and that her mother was resting and she didn't want to spend her first day in America sitting in an quiet appartment.

We ended up flirting and drinking for a few hours and after awhile we both realized how late it was, and that we needed to get out of there. Once outside, I realized that she'd walked from her destination and offered her a ride. I figured I could drop her off, maybe get a good bye kiss to go with the phone number she was writing down for me.

As luck would have it, she was staying in the same apartment complex as my parents. I figure this is going to be great as we'll be close and will have some free time on our hands. I pulled up infront of her building and noted that it was the same eight unit building as my folks. (At this point something seemed off in my gut.)

I took the phone number from her, shook her hand and watched her walk away. She went up two flights of stairs, and into my parents place. I, now totally confused and a little drunk, finish my cigarette, grab my bags and head in after her.

As I walk in, my mother gives me a huge hug and turns to introduce me to her Cousin Lilly and her daughter (my cousin) Cinthia, the lovely creature I'd just invested four hours of bar time in. Turns out they flew in for a visit, and my mom didn't tell me becuase I'd never met them and she wanted it to be a surprise.

One of the worst things I've ever done drunk........almost made out with my cousin.


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